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bigwriter9
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Name: Matthew
Birthday: 7/27/1982
Gender: Male
Interests: I love my family, my friends, sports, writing, reading, playing basketball, eating, sleeping, all kinds of music (throw in playing the drums here, too) and trying to follow God as much as I can.
Expertise: Mostly anything relating to the major sports such as the NBA, NFL, MLB and some NHL. I love ESPN!! I like to think that I'm a fairly good writer and listener, and I enjoy encouraging people, too. And I'm pretty good at eating just about anything related to junk food in large quantities.
Occupation: Other
Industry: Media
Message: message me
AIM:  campusgiant34
Member Since:
8/5/2005
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| I wish I was more of a man.
Have you ever felt that way?
And if I had to tell you the truth,
I'm afraid I'd have to say
That after all I've done and failed to do,
I felt like less than I was meant to be.
What if I could fix myself?
Maybe then I could get free.
I could try and be somebody else
Who's much better off than me.
But I need to remember this:
It's when I'm at my weakest I can clearly see...
There are so many things that have happened since the past time I posted an entry here. I'm still debating whether or not they're worth sharing in this kind of space. My heart and mind have been wrestling with so much lately, especially within the past two months. At the moment, it feels like more than I can say. And maybe I'm a little uncertain about what those words look like on the screen after they leave my fingers. Am I OK with their permanence? Or am I too reliable on the backspace button in case I get scared at what they mean?
Maybe I'm not supposed to be so concerned about those things. Maybe this really is simply a part of God's reminder that I cannot do the things I need to do on my own...
"If You see something of value here, please burn and mold and shape it until it makes you smile..."
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If You could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life,
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for?
And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise?
To make me handsome, rich and wise,
Is that really what you want?
‘Cause I am a whore, I do confess;
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle.
I’m a prodigal with no way home,
But I put you on just like a ring of gold,
And I run down the aisle,
I run down the aisle to You...
So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust You to provide,
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side?
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood.
Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife... *********************************************
I heard this song by Derek Webb about two years ago, and I thought it
was one of the most striking, honest things that a Christian could ever
say to God - that he's more prone to fulfill his desires for greed, lust
and pride than loving his Savior with a pure mind and an obedient
heart. That's where I'm at right now, feeling spiritually lost while
clinging to the familiar sinful footholds that are only momentary
facades...
Lord, I wish there were other words I
could use to confess the glaring imperfections in my humanity. I'm
tired inside. I'm vulnerable and in such great need of hope and mercy.
When did my heart just become a cold rock beating inside of me? Why am
I solely focused on the fleeting enticements of life right now?
There's a soul in this body that's aching for healing, for wholeness
and for a clear hope. I won't hide the truth. I act like we're OK and put on a mask to hide the ugliness underneath - the man I really am. And when I do take that mask off and look in the mirror, it's a face filled with shame. That's not the way it should be...
At this point in my life, I'm disgusted with my selfishness, and I can only
wonder if You are, too. If I can run back to You, would you still see me as a son?
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| Well...
The last entry here was over 1 1/2 months ago, and a lot has happened since then. For one, Kelly and I moved to Scranton, PA (yes, the home of "The Office"), and despite all of the benefits of life we enjoyed while in Maryland, the relocation has paid off in dividends:
♠ We both walk to work/school, which saves us a good chunk of money on gas.
♣ The cost of living, including utilities, is considerably cheaper than just about anything one could hope to find in MD.
♥ We've got close friends in the area, and we're much closer to our families in PA and CT.
♦ Our neighborhood is nice and quiet. 
Grad school has been a welcomed change for me. I've always enjoyed a good academic challenge, and this pursuit of a master's degree in school counseling is just that. All of my classes take place at night, which I find ironic because I despised the idea of a night class while at Messiah. But, this gives me the chance to work during the day and help us shell out the appropriate money for rent, bills, food and that unfortunate visit from Sallie Mae every month.  However, the Lord has given us what we need for each situation, and for that we're both grateful.
Our biggest prayer request continues to be good jobs for both of us. Kelly's been working as an assistant coach for the women's volleyball team at the University of Scranton (which will end with the season). This has been a difficult change for her because she's been a high school volleyball head coach the past three years. But, the team did really well at its season-opening tournament this weekend, so that's a step in the right direction.
I recently accepted a position as an English Department Assistant for an online learning school located in Scranton. It's mostly grading papers and exams and stuff, and the pay isn't much, but it's better than nothing.
For those of you scoring at home, the new Third Day album, "Revelation", isn't as solid or as spiritually deep as their last studio album, "Wherever You Are." Not many people agree with this sentiment, but I've followed the band since their its first album in 1996, and this new one isn't as good as it could have been. A new producer and the departure of their lead guitarist, I believe, has a lot to do with this. The new CD has some ambiguity similar to "Wire" and there's a lot less punch on the overall record. I'll give it 3 out of 5 stars.
Dad and I are playing phone tag again. It's probably my least favorite game in the world. He never answers the phone when I call, and yet when he tries to return the call, I don't have reception or I can't get to my phone or something. It's just like the words from a song that Bono wrote for his father: "And it's you when I look in the mirror, and it's you when I don't pick up the phone." I love that song.
This weekend has been wonderful. I hung out with Wes and Meredith and some of their friends on Friday, then spent the night at their place and traveled a couple hours north to pick up Kelly from her volleyball tournament. Since Saturday afternoon, we've been hanging out with her family in CT, a very relaxing few days overall.
I feel like I'm in a good place right now, trusting God to do great things but waiting for His providence. I haven't felt this way in a long time...
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"I was searching for something I thought I would never find, losing my mind.
In and out of bad love, I thought I was born to lose - then came you.
I thought I knew what the real thing was,
But nothing shakes me like your love does.
I've been hypnotized; now I realize... "Every time I get lost in a temperamental mood,
You still stay cool.
Just when I think that this life's about to drive me insane,
You take the reins.
Every time I feel I'm drifting off course,
You're my compass, you're my one true north.
In a mixed up world, you make sense to me, girl...
"Every road that I've been down,
The only truth that I have found:
There's only one thing I can't live without - you.
"Yeah, every road, girl, leads me to you,
And baby, that's all I need to know... "Every road that I've been down and back -
Every road leads me to you..." Hey Sunshine, this was the happiest day of my life.  I still can't believe that after all these years, God finally gave me the girl for which I had been hoping and praying. Every road I've been down really has led me back to where God has you in my life, and that's all I need to know. I love you, Kel... | | |
| "In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise,
Give me Jesus." * * *
It’s relaxing in the known, not worrying about what may or may not be. It’s hiding in the shadows of a stronghold that can never be penetrated. It’s the cool air of the rain that opens my mind again. It’s the sound of water from a stream that soothes a dry and broken heart. It’s the wind in my face that pulls my head up and helps me see the road ahead and the blessings on every side. It’s the pursuit of simple things that tugs at my soul – reaching out to friends and finding strength in their comfort. It’s a quiet confidence that offers peace and hope when I am weak, shining like a beacon in the middle of a storm. It’s the words that need no explanation or second reading. It’s the steady rhythm of a heartbeat that reminds me that I’m still alive and being prepared for better things. It’s the composing of thoughts on a blank page that remind me of how I’ve been gifted; it’s writing them again that reminds me how I can pass that gift on to others. It’s the gentle sway of the trees when the wind passes by that shows me how to be still a little longer. It’s the song with no words that makes me listen for a note that pulls at my ears. It’s the time of pondering and resting, not thinking and acting, a time of solitude and calm that holds me in a gentle refrain. It’s the cloud blocking the sun that reminds me of a faith that calls for trusting the unseen. It’s the hands that offer love in the most reassuring ways – a hug and a simple touch – that tell me I’m going to be alright once more. It’s the voice that offers a second chance when I’ve hit a dead end and forgotten how to start over. It’s the sun fading behind the horizon that fills a void inside and says that my own life is completed for that day. And it’s the sunrise in the morning that says God is still in control. | | |
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